My loyal readers know that my love of off-roading doesn’t stop at the city limits. Like all forms of my love, it knows no bounds, respects no borders, and transcends all codes of common decency. No one who knows The Mlyno would be surprised to see him taking a golf cart down an outdoor staircase or shredding a villain’s front lawn with his baby! In fact, I believe that I can proclaim, without fear of exaggeration, that I am the world’s greatest urban off-roader. Keep this in mind as I confide a most traumatic turning of events, that will leave little doubt of a vast and nefarious plot against your blogging blade brother.
A few months ago, while wrapping up a day of hard manly labor, at my shitty summer job, I was attacked by a monstrous old woman. While I can’t divulge too many of the details because of my pending lawsuit, I can tell you that this vile beast assaulted me in the most ironically cruel way imaginable – with an urban off-roading tactic close to my heart. That’s right! While I relaxed in my company golf cart, patiently waiting to cross an intersection, this monster veered off the road, jumped the curb and flanked my sweet little ride with hateful force. Me a victim of an off-road assault, only my eternal nemesis good have conjured something as poetically unjust as that. What’s worse, I was thrown several yards from my cart and landed directly onto 100% American concrete. Because she had the element of surprise, the old bitch took me down with a single blow from her sedan. And if that insult to my pride wasn’t enough, my enemies added injury to it. I regained consciousness as this city’s incompetent emt’s were cutting the shoulder straps of my tactical backpack – an indispensable item of bad ass ensemble. I reached for a blade but I hadn’t the strength to wield it.
Despite the particularly evil nature of this assault, it has not phased me. There was even an up side. When a certain busty co-worker, compelled by her womanly compassion, accompanied me to the hospital, I managed to score a couple of brushes against her choice rack. I even earned a solid handful by thrashing on the gurney as they tried to get me in the ambulance. I tried to close the deal later at the hospital, but she was too much of a selfish prude.